I’m seriously sick of myself lately. Do you ever feel that way? You look at yourself and think, “Ugh. What is wrong with me?”
Everything I’m hating pretty much stems from an utter lack of self-discipline. For example, I’m 39 and I still bite my nails. All the time. Why? I’ve been trying to kick the habit for at least 25 years (by “trying” I mean “contemplating”). I happen to be very fond of biting my nails. I do it absent-mindedly mostly; when I’m watching movies or reading a book. But I realize that a lot of people think it’s gross/juvenile/germy. So this week I really, really have tried to stop. No fingers in the mouth. It’s hard for me, so no judging, mm-kay?
I also have realized that my name is Jennie and I’m a sugar addict (hello, Jennie). Oh man, I got it bad. I have come to understand that I cannot fill my craving by eating a little bit of sweets. Because “filling my craving” has never happened. Eating sweets just makes me want more and more sweets until the cake is gone, or the bag of M&M’s is empty. There is no “stop”, there is only “more”. (If only I were bulimic! But I have to say that throwing up is NOT my favorite.) This sugar thing is actually quite frightening.
And so I have cut sweets out of my life. Completely. No cheat days (because a cheat day turns into a cheat weekend, which turns into a cheat week and then it continues into a full-fledged spiral of shame). No special occasions (addiction sucks, friends!) I’m hoping to continue for a couple of months. I have to give myself an end because you and I both know I can’t keep it up forever.
So far I’m on day five, and if you’ve ever tried to kick the sugar monster to the curb, you know the first three or four days are the worst. So I’m over the hardest part. I’m very proud of myself thus far. I went to Bunco last night where the homemade cookies and caramel corn filled every inch of the counter. And I abstained. I passed it all over. Instead I ate most of the bacon-wrapped water chestnuts that I brought (hey, I’ve got to pig out on something!)
Next on my list of things I hate about myself is the fact that I just loathe exercising and cleaning my house. I want to be thin and fit and I love having a clean house, but somehow the desire and the actions don’t quite jive. But I can’t talk about those right now or I’ll just end up crying myself to sleep.
What about you? What do you hate about yourself lately?