There are different levels of things that I’m afraid of. On the most superficial level there are escalators. They really freak me out. Especially if there are several levels of escalators all criss-crossing each other. If you’ve been to Pioneer Place in Portland, Oregon you know what I’m talking about. By the time I reach the 4th floor I’m sweating badly, my heart is racing and I’m holding in a giant scream. And there is the escalators evil twin, the glass elevator. Suffice it to say that all my worst nightmares involve glass elevators. They are much scarier than escalators. The pinnacle of terror being a glass elevator on the outside of a building. There is nothing–and I mean nothing–that would make it worth riding to the top of a building in a glass elevator.
Also, I am slightly afraid of calling repair people on the phone. It takes me at least a day to psyche myself up for the phone call. Please don’t ask me to explain this one to you. It makes no sense, not even to me. I have zero problems with repair people in person, but ask me to call them and I start to sweat.
There is a secondary level of things that I’m afraid of. Things like my kids getting addicted to drugs or leaving the Church. These are things that could definitely happen but I guess wouldn’t be the end of the world if they did. Also, I have a fear of going to prison (wrongfully of course. I would never do anything to warrant a sentence!). I really don’t like mean people at all and prison seems like nothing but mean people. Plus I feel the need to chit-chat with most people and I don’t think that would go over well in the Pen.
On the most Primal level the thing I’m most afraid of is my children being tortured/kidnapped/murdered. If I start thinking about this, like “what if we were Jews in WWII”, I can get thoroughly freaked out in less than a minute. It’s the kind of rabbit hole I try to avoid because it’s so horrifying I almost can’t breathe. Of course the only time I really think of these things is in the middle of the night when all bad thoughts flourish. I end up using my Hypnobirth breathing to quiet my mind and remind myself that the kids are snuggled in bed and the bad guys are all someplace else.
This topic is kind of depressing me. Let me tell you what I’m not afraid of: speaking in public. Doesn’t bother me in the least. OK, I get a tiny bit nervous if it’s a big crowd. Bugs and Snakes. Bugs are itty-bitty so who cares and I really, really think snakes are cool. Somewhere there is a picture of me holding about 15 snakes that I found on the beach on Lake Superior when I was seven or eight. I really wish I could find that picture but I haven’t seen it in years. Traveling with kids. Having seen everything and had every bad traveling experience with kids, nothing phases me anymore. Especially now that I don’t have toddlers.