Makeup Monday–Eyebrows

Is it just me or has the whole world gone crazy for eyelash extensions and coloring? I’m hearing about this stuff all over the place and it’s not cheap. I don’t get it; eyelashes are just a thin line of hair. Yes, they might emphasize the eye but I can think of a dozen things people will notice on your face before they bother to see your eyelashes. Of course, if you are blonde I can see the heavy emphasis on mascara and maybe eyelash coloring (gotta love being a brunette for that reason alone).  But I know many people who are really obsessed with mascara but barely pay their eyebrows any attention at all.

Eyebrows are the picture frame around your eyes but they rarely get much attention.  Maybe a couple of minutes with the tweezers once in a while.  Nicely arched eyebrows can really open up your face and just perk things up. If your eyebrows are unruly and sloppy, it’s time to change that. And unlike most things on Makeup Monday, this will be free. Unless you don’t have any tweezers. (Everyone has tweezers, right?) I’m not going to get into the hows and whys of the proper way to pluck and shape your eyebrows. What I’m more interested in is day-to-day maintenence. I have my brows waxed because I tend to get a little carried away with the tweezing. My eyebrow hair is sparse and things can go bad quickly. Let’s just say that I’ve ended up more than once with eyebrows that were about an inch inch long. Imagine Hitler’s mustache but above my eye. Not terribly attractive. So I leave it to the professionals.

Once your eyebrows are nicely shaped you need to make sure to groom them. Say what? Listen; eyebrow hair is usually droopy. (If you look at an old man you can really see what I mean). Even if your brows are freshly tweezed, the hair will still hang downwards or straight across. What we want to do is to brush it upwards.  It opens up your entire face. This will do wonders for you, I swear. Especially if you are oldish like me.

Right now I want you to feel your eyebrows. Try to smooth the hair up and over. Having your eyebrows brushed upwards might look a little odd to you at first. Anytime you change something on your face it will take some getting used to. But if you look at any close-up photo in a magazine, the woman will always have her brows brushed upwards.  Some people (especially older male people) have really long eyebrow hair. It might need a trim. I have to constantly get on Mister’s case to trim his eyebrow hair. If your man needs his eyebrows trimmed but seems resistant, just tell him that’s all you can think about when you have sex. That should do the trick.

Now how to get your brows to stay nicely groomed? You don’t want to be constantly stroking your eyebrow hair into place. That’s a little creepy. And gross.  The cheapest solution is to get an old toothbrush and spray it with hairspray. Quickly brush it onto your brows, smoothing them in place as you go. They’ll stay nice-looking all day.

There are also brow gels available. These look a little bit like mascaras and are usually found right next to mascara in the stores. Yet again, cosmetic companies treat eyelashes like they are a much bigger deal and there are a million products for them. Poor eyebrow products are just a little footnote on the bottom row.

One product I like is by Sonia Kashuk (that means my favorite store–Target!). It’s a clear gel that goes on nicely with a wand. It keeps the hair in place without making it crusty like hairspray does. If you have thick dark brows this should be all you need. It only costs about $6.00.As I mentioned before, my eyebrow hair isn’t very thick so I use Revlon’s Brow Fantasy most of the time. I also suggest this for very fair-haired people who need a little color in their brows. It has an eyebrow pencil on one end and matching colored gel on the other and costs about $7.00.  I have dark brown hair and use the color “dark brown”. It’s not as dark as my hair which is good. You want brow pencil to be a shade lighter than your hair, otherwise it will look really fake; like you’ve got two black caterpillars crawling across your forehead.


Use a light hand with the brow pencil. There was a lady I knew growing up who used to paint on her eyebrows. I remember being completely perplexed by them. We don’t want your eyebrows to look painted on. Just smudge the brow liner on in any sparse spots.

Once you’ve used the brow pencil, then swipe the gel in an upwards motion. Once it dries it will last all day.

This is a pretty long blog post to tell you about something that takes less than a minute to do. Taking care of your eyebrows really does make a big difference.

 

Blogging About Tweens and Teens

Unlike most bloggers these days who have a charmingly dressed toddler and a sweet baby who is constantly and adorably photographed, I have tweens and teens and a couple of grown up kids. We moms of older kids are more of a silent bunch. Not because we don’t have anything to say–quite the opposite! But our children can read and become embarrassed or angry by what we, their parents, have written about them.

I had no qualms writing about all the times my kids pooped in weird places when they were little. There was nothing that they did that was too taboo to write about. Ah, the bliss of illiterate children!

Now the stakes are higher and the problems are real and can have serious consequences. And now is when we moms of older kids could really use some blogs to let us know that we’re not alone.

A couple of years ago when my son York–now nineteen–was a new driver he was giving a ride home from a church activity to his little brother, Finn, and one of Finn’s friends. The friend was sitting in the front seat of the car and Finn was in the back. When they arrived at the friend’s house the boy got out and Finn also got out of the car in order to move to the front seat. Only York, being impetuous and somewhat oblivious, drove off without noticing his brother standing in the street.

York drove all the way home.

In the meantime Finn called us and told us that his brother had left him standing there.

So when York walked in the door I asked, “where is your brother?” He raised his eyebrows and replied, “I don’t know. He was in the car and then he wasn’t.”

He didn’t stop the car or look around or even bother to call Finn. Nope. None of that.

I told him to go back and pick his brother up and York responded in the way that every teenager from the beginning of time has responded, “It’s not my fault!”  Well, actually York, yes it is your fault.

So he went back and got his brother. My husband and I had a good laugh because York has always been somewhat spacy but this was extreme even for him!

The funny thing was, though, that some of the students at my kids’ High School read this blog post (How they knew about my blog I have no idea).  They would come up to York in the hallway saying, “He was there and then he wasn’t!”  It took York a while to figure out what people were talking about. But, being a good sport, he laughed along with them.

This line, “he was there and then he wasn’t” even made it into York’s Senior skit.

Moral of the story: when you are writing about your kids and think that they’ll never read it, they will. Or somebody will.

Which is why I have to be careful about what I say. But you guys, I have so much I would like to talk to you about! I would like to discuss the unkind and spiteful monster that has overtaken my formerly sweet daughter; the one who relishes in torturing and insulting her siblings at every opportunity. I would like to discuss the joys of drug testing your children and how being a parent can feel so much like being a prison warden.  I would like to talk about the glances given that are colder than ice. The ones that make you pause for minute and wonder if this child might actually murder you in your sleep. I would like to laugh and commiserate on how completely devoid of brain functions these kids are most of the times, especially sons. Wasn’t it so funny when the police called and had taken one of them into custody, hahaha.

Lest you accuse me of only wanting to talk about the negative things about my children. let me just point out that there are plenty of outlets to brag about our children: Facebook walls and Christmas cards are rife with tales of starring roles in school musicals, amazing plays at football games and perfect ACT scores. There are lots of ways to tell everyone how amazing your offspring (and, hence, you) are. But we have to keep the ugly stuff to ourselves.

Which is such a bummer.

Maybe I’ll get permission to talk about some of these things. Which is doubtful. But you never know.

Instead how about I start something for us beleaguered moms and dads so we know we’ve got a compatriot. Something like that Mockingjay pin so when other moms or dads of idiotic teenagers pass us at Target we can look each other in the eyes and say, “I know what you’re going through.”

I’ll get right on that.

P.S. To illustrate the general surliness and non-cooperation that accompanies most parental requests around here, the above picture was a major ordeal. “Arabella, just stand on the back porch and look straight ahead.”

Arabella: “Whaaat? It’s freezing outside!”

[ten seconds later] “Ugh. This is so stupid. Why are you doing this?”

Me: “Just hold still for a minute.”

Arabella: “Mooooom, why are you doing this? It’s so cold! Are you done yet?”

Me: “Oh my gosh, it’s 60° and it’s only been 90 seconds!”

Both of us: [massive eye rolling and groaning]

The Oscars–a Wrap-up

Let’s talk about fashion first: Watching the Oscars is a bit lame when you don’t have cable. You can’t switch between four channels to make sure you don’t miss a single dress on the red carpet. Instead I had to sort through pictures on the internet this morning to see if there were some stunners I missed.  There weren’t. My opinion is that color is good. Neutral tones really don’t flatter many people. I mean, some of those grey/white/bronze dresses looked nice but think how much prettier they would have looked in a nice peacock blue. Especially that knock-out Jessica Chastain (At least she had some bright lips to perk things up). And Amy Adams hair? It looks Nanny and the Professor. Ew.


I guess I should amend the above statement to say that white girls shouldn’t wear neutrals. My favorite dress of the night was on Zoe Saldana who is one of the most gorgeous women ever. It’s a pearly grey but it doesn’t look washed out since Zoe has that lovely cappuccino skin. Love the layers at the hem and the flowers up top. LOVE!

 

Normally I hate everything about Jennifer Aniston but she looks 100% gorgeous.

I thought everyone looked pretty decent. This isn’t like the Oscars of the 80’s when everyone looked ridiculous. But there were a few things that caused me to raise my eyebrows:

Oh Anne, the satin and the darts combine to create the perfect storm. I’m sure your nipples are lovely but we really don’t all need to know. Her diamond necklace is adorable but I hope the “necklace on backwards’ trend ends quickly. It’s weird.

And then there are a couple of ladies taking a footnote from the 80’s. Halle Berry gets all Alexis Carrington while Jane looks like she’s on her way to the Captain’s table on The Love Boat.

 

But enough about clothes. Let’s talk about movies. I haven’t seen most of them. Although Mister and I did catch a screening last weekend of all the live action and animated shorts. It was three hours long but completely enjoyable.

I’m still not sure who Seth MacFarlane is but I quite enjoyed him. And what a nice singer. I loved the stage set. So bright and pretty. But I’d have to give the broadcast a thumbs down. Why? Too much singing! This isn’t the Tony’s! It’s like the producers said, “Oh look how popular Les Mis is. People must like singing. Let’s have lots of singing!”

No, people just want to see the awards. And who could possible agree that Chicago is the best musical of the last 10 years? I hate Chicago! And that lady singing Goldfinger? She rocked the last note but what a waste of five minutes. Same with Barbra Streisand. I was like, “I’m going to go make some cookies. Tell me when the singing’s done.”

I love that Jennifer Lawrence tripped on the stairs. She is such a funny, honest person. She recovered beautifully. I’m sure if it had been a prima donna like Catherine Zeta-Jones she would have promptly committed suicide.

Daniel Day Lewis is the best actor ever. Anyone who could give us Abraham Lincoln, Cristy from My Left Foot, Hawkeye from The last of the Mohicans and Cecil from A Room With a View is completely brilliant. Tommy Lee Jones, on the other hand, was nominated for an award despite playing the exact same grumpy jerk that he plays in every single movie he’s ever been in. How is that even acting?

I was really hoping Ben Affleck would win because I really feel for him because of all his struggles. And I love Jennifer Garner. His acceptance speech was so humble and touching.

And the whole Michelle Obama thing? Odd. Especially with that passel of footmen (and footwomen?) surrounding her. Although it makes sense considering the love affair that Hollywood and the Obamas have with each other. That relationship also explains how Obama can blame everything and everyone for the violence that is exploding in our society EXCEPT for blaming Hollywood. People like Quentin Tarantino aren’t chastised for making horrendously violent films that glorify murder, torture, anger and revenge –they’re celebrated and honored for it. It really sickens me.

OK, sorry for the outburst.

Let’s lighten the mood by discussing the ubiquitous aging European men with flowing blond hair. In case you were wondering what Legolas would look like as a middle-aged man:

 

Even more bizarre? The mystery of Renee Zelweger’s scrunched up face. Maybe she needed a Claritin? And Kristin Stewart? How does this person have a career? She is peevish, sullen and thoroughly detestable. She couldn’t even pretend to be charming for three minutes while presenting an Oscar. I think I hate K. Stew more than any other actress.

What were your highlights and bombs of the Oscars this year?

The Day I Learned that Brunettes are Best

If you remember the 70s and 80s very well you’ll recall the popularity of The Blonde. Farrah Fawcett, Olivia Newton John, Christie Brinkley, Jessica/Elizabeth from Sweet Valley High, and pretty much every smiling face in Seventeen Magazine was a girl with shiny blonde hair. The brunettes in the media were represented by Joanie on Happy Days or Sabrina on Charlie’s Angels or Janet from Three’s Company; none of whom were particularly pretty or smart or spunky. (Chrissy had flaxen ponytails and short shorts but Janet had a disgusting mullet and boring dresses with pantyhose. So unfair!) All I can guess is that the brunette was supposed to be the “normal” person whose job was to make the blondes look more fantastic.   (Yes, eventually Jaclyn Smith showed up on Charlie’s Angels but by then I had a pre-teen girl crush on Cheryl Ladd.)

Then there was Barbie. I always hoped for a brunette version but Mattel decided that nobody would want to play with a brown-haired doll. I was forever trying to dye my Barbies’ hair (Brown crayola markers do not work well, FYI). Sometimes I would just get sick of those golden inches and I’d chop it all off.

One day I was at the mall waiting for my mom outside of my all-time favorite store, The Canary and The Elephant, which sold a broad assortment of gaudy 80’s plastic jewelry. (My favorite piece was a big silver bracelet with plastic ice cubes hanging from it. I was the belle of 8th grade, take my word for it.)  I had been watching all the blonde girls go by (although this was Michigan. There can’t have been that many. Heaven help me if I’d lived in California or the nation’s capital of blondness: Utah.)

When my mother showed up I wistfully told her how I wished I were blonde. She stopped dead and looked into my eyes. You’d have thought I’d just announced I wanted to pursue a life of prostitution. “You don’t ever want to be blonde.” She said slowly. “Do you have any idea how terrible they look without makeup? So washed out. There is nothing worse than a blonde first thing in the morning.”  She thought for a moment before continuing. “They look like they have no eyelashes and sometimes no eyebrows! A blonde without mascara looks horrible. They aren’t lucky enough to have well-defined eyes like us. No. Be thankful that you were born with brown hair. A striking complexion will win the day every time.”

And with that we walked out the door into the Detroit slush.

Her testimony of the superiority of brunettes stuck with me. It blossomed until I didn’t try to peroxide my hair anymore. I rolled my eyes at the yellow-haired girls on the TV screen. “I know what you really look like,” I said to them. (I was completely unaware that most blonde adults color their hair anyway.)

I love my brown hair. I mean, it’s not as great as red. That’s my dream hair. But it least I can skip the mascara sometimes.

And although I hate Bella from Twilight, I was thrilled to finally find a Barbie that has my coloring.

Flummoxed

I do not understand certain things:

Why people dislike traveling when there are no kids involved. Sitting in a chair, albeit an uncomfortable one on a plane, with nothing to do but read books and eat snacks? Delightful! You would be correct in assuming that I’m pretty jazzed about flying solo.

Big purses!  They’re everywhere!  I hate them!  Listen, I just got my kids all potty trained.  The last thing I want is to feel like I’m carrying around a diaper bag again.  I need to keep my handbag streamlined and little or pretty soon it becomes a repository for every receipt and piece of garbage my hand touches.

Why is everyone getting their hair cut? It’s like some sort of epidemic amongst the people I know. Is this happening where you live? Are people looking for a change in the weather, but if not they’ll take a change in their hair? I went shorter last year and learned my lesson: I don’t look so good with a bob anymore.

Why would you shop anywhere other than Target? Don’t say “prices” because Wal Mart’s not that much cheaper.  Besides, isn’t it worth it to go to a store and not be frightened by the state of humanity?

How can women not notice they have a hairy upper lip?  And how can it not drive them crazy? I know a couple of people who don’t wax their lips ever–and they need to.  I think about it every time I look at them. I mean, it’s distracting (I’m not saying who it is.  If you know me IRL you can just become increasingly paranoid that maybe it’s you I’m talking about). It’s not that hard to wax your own face. You can do it! Or better yet, pay someone to do it for you!  I have to wax not only my stache, but my burns, my eyebrows and the three crazy hairs that grow underneath my chin and drive me insane (I can feel them, but I can’t see them.  It’s like the lady version of Chinese water torture).  It’s not just me, either.  Mister once broke up with a girl he liked because she had a stache and he didn’t have the nerve to say anything about it.  I know, we’re a deep couple.

Why do people not make homemade cookies? Is it really so hard to combine eight ingredients? I can have a batch of chocolate chip cookies in the oven in five minutes. And they are so much better than the kind you scoop out of a plastic tub or–horrors!–buy at the store. If one more person says to me, “I’m just not good at it”, I swear I will scream. Just make them a few times and you will be good at it. It’s making cookies, folks, not sewing a wedding dress. Get my favorite chocolate chip recipe here.

11 things I’m thinking the night before school starts

1.  Backpacks, lunchboxes and various sandwich-shaped tupperware have all been located and placed in the appropriate cupboard.

2.  School supplies have been parcelled out and loaded up, ready to make the trip to school.  It turns out that we forgot to buy folders for Arabella, but I think that’s not a big deal, considering the amount of children/required school supplies.

3.  New outfits (for the girls.  The boys only cared about new shoes) are laid out on bedroom floors, looking like invisible children who met up with a steamroller.

4.  I am trying to remember what time school starts.  Is it 6:45 or 7:45?  I honestly can’t remember; only that it seemed so horrendously early last year (Please let it be 7:45).

5.  India wanted her hair trimmed for the first day of Eighth Grade (no more homeschooling for her.  The babies and I were too boring, India announced.  Unlike middle school.  That’s not boring. Right.)  India didn’t care what she looked like last year;  I had to fight to get her to brush her hair.  She’s getting older.  I’m slightly freaking out.

6. My face is freshly waxed.  I can’t bear to face a new school year sporting a stache or unruly eyebrows.  The face-wax lady asked me this time if she could wax under my lip too because it needs it.  Under my lip?  I didn’t know hair even grows there.  I’m getting older. I’m very freaking out.

7. I will be spending the next two weeks cleansing my body (the inside).  No pop.  Lots of fruit and veg.  Only organic food.  Lots of funky herbs and teas to help clean my pipes.  I’m scared.  I love pop and trans fats and high fructose corn syrup.  

8. Mister starts teaching early morning Seminary* on Tuesday.  I think this will cause him a lot of stress, which means it will cause me a lot of stress.  But hopefully there will be a lot of blessings too.

9. I was supposed to spend the summer helping Finn with his multiplication and teaching cursive to Arabella.  I think I forgot about those goals three days after school ended.

10. The babies will be in preschool two days a week (for a grand total of eight hours all to myself).  Mister says I should go back to school.  What kind of crazy talk is that?  Maybe in a few years.

11. Should I make India and York ride their bikes to and from school this month?  It’s 1.2 miles.  Normally I make them ride, but normally it’s not 100º when school is over.  I want them to be happy, but I also want them to be tough.  I hate all these soft, whiny kids nowadays.  

*Mormon High Schoolers spend an hour every morning going to church before school.  (Unless they live in Utah where they can go during school hours.) It’s called Seminary. Mister will be teaching the 6:00 am class.  

Christmas Eve Eve

Like you’re actually going to be reading a blog today.  But just in case you find yourself with some free time on Christmas Eve, here’s a rundown of what I did yesterday (which is still Tuesday in my head since I haven’t gone to sleep yet). Let me just say that my favorite thing about Christmas is the long store hours.  I love shopping at night.  LOVE IT!

–Grocery store for “The Big Dinner” (meaning Christmas Eve when we will be inviting 18 people over to celebrate)
–Dropped off some of Jasper’s old clothes at my friend’s house.  Sat on the porch and talked til the boys started honking the horn. (oh, yes, just to make the shopping more enjoyable I brought along York and Finn.)

–Crate & Barrel to pick up some glasses that had been on backorder.  They are really cute and cost 95¢ each. For that price they’re practically disposable. That, my friends, is why I love Crate and Barrel. York, however, took one look at the place and said, “this would be the worst place in the world to get a job.  I would really rather work at Home Depot.” Glad to know that, York.
–Toy store because I realized this morning that I don’t have a single stocking stuffer for Arabella.  York bought a pack of party favors to give his sibs for Christmas. I ended up buying a bunch of birthday presents for Bella.  Her birthday is in May.  How much do you want to bet that I completely forget by then?
–Dollar store because Finn wanted to buy presents for his sibs too.  I bought a bunch of glowy necklaces for our trip to Disneyworld (at the dollar store they cost 2 for $1.00.  At Disney they are $5.00 each.  I’ll just bring them along in my purse on the night we plan to go to the parade. The kids will be none the wiser.)
–Party City to get silver bowls for the all-silver theme of Christmas Eve. Strange that I picked that theme since I don’t really like silver.  But it just seemed right, you know?
–Justice (AKA pre-teen heaven) to see if they have the Blue Jay Webkinz that India has been drooling over for months. No luck, but they did have a cardinal, chickadee and hummingbird. 
–Walked across the parking lot to Hallmark to check out their Webkinz selection.  Paltry in comparison.
–Walked back to Justice (what’s with all the walking? Am I some sort of European?) and settled on the chickadee, a hedgehog and a dragon since they ended up being 40% off. I gave India the Chickdee today as payment for babysitting all day long.  And all day yesterday too.
–Made it just in time for my face waxing appointment.  I now have lovely eyebrows and no more moustache.
–Picked up York’s friend to have a playdate.
–Made 2 dozen rolls.
–Went to tithing settlement. I don’t know why I have to go.  I make no money and last time I checked 10% of 0 is o.
–Tried to make another dozen rolls but these suckers were not interested in rising. I threw the dough in the garbage (“take that!”).  It will probably overflow the can by morning.
–Put the kids to bed. Realized I forget to make the babies dinner.  Unless you count a handful of peanuts dinner. Well, the bishop gave them two mini candy bars as well. Good enough.
–Went to Kohl’s to buy some capris because I have nothing to wear to Florida due to the fact that I’m seriously fatter than last summer.
–Went to Nerdsville Central, otherwise known as the Dragon’s Lair, otherwise know as “your multi-player game headquarters” to buy the game Killer Bunnies (which is just a regular card game.  But super fun.) for India.  Thanks goodness they were open til midnight.  I just barely squeaked in.
–Back to the grocery store to buy the things I forgot 14 hours earlier.  They were entirely out of cranberries. I’m making cranberry-topped brie.  What am I supposed to do now?  There is no way I am taking a single step into a store until after Christmas. Sounds like a job for Errand Man Mister
Whew.  No wonder I’m so tired.  And broke.
Merry Christmas!  God bless us, every one.