Olympic Sports I Would Be Good At

It’s hard to watch the Olympics and not imagine yourself doing some of those sports. Even if you are a 41 year-old woman who hasn’t raised her heartbeat once in the last six months. So really this is all theoretical. It’s more about affinity than ability. But let’s consider the possibilities here. Some sports are a little more promising than others:

Archery: Not only is this cool, it requires not aerobic skill. And this will come in handy when the world ends. Zombies or no.

Javelin. Again, sharp sticks appeal to me. Although the female javelin-throwers look awfully strapping so I’m guessing I might be a bit on the wimpy side.

Any sort of jumping. I have long legs. They’ve got to help me in some way. And since I’m a pitifully slow runner, the racing events are out.

Anything equestrian. Well, aside from the fact that this sport is so breathtakingly expensive, I could definitely handle sitting on a horse. You don’t get out of breath, right? Then sign me up!

Sailing. This is actually something I’ve done before. You can’t live in the Great Lakes without spending time on a sailboat. Although my dad used to get pretty mad at me for being a moronic sailor.

The real question here is which sports I would be the worst at:

Diving. Heights? Check. Spinning? Check. Falling? Check. Water? Check. Well, those are all the things I hate most in the world. Why don’t the divers just scrape their fingernails on chalkboards on the way down too?

Water Polo.  Swimming and balls? Well, that’s just a recipe for disaster. Listen, I can tread water. Or I can catch a ball (uh, not really) but there is no possibility of me doing both at the same time. Plus I just can’t stomach the idea of a bathing suit that zips up the back.

Beach volleyball. I have bad memories of playing volleyball in gym class. (“Playing” being a relative term.) So imagine having to embarass myself not just playing volleyball but playing volleyball in a bikini. Diving and hitting and throwing in a bikini!!! What kind of kinky sadists came up with this idea? Oh yea, Californians. I wouldn’t do this sport as a favor to the world’s population.

Now that I think about it, my best chance at an Olympic gold medal is to wait for Cookie-Eating to become an event. Americans would dominate!

What are your best and worst events in your imaginary world?

| Filed under I'm Not So Great

5 thoughts on “Olympic Sports I Would Be Good At

  1. I was 10 when the Olynpics came to LA and I thought the coolest thing ever was the rhythmic gymnastics. Prancing around twirling a long, pretty ribbon?!? I call it 10 year old girl heaven.

  2. Diving after a ball (while sporting a bikini) as the whole world looks on? No, thanks! Archery might be a useful skill (the whole end of the world thing and all) but I’m still holding out for the Shopping Olympics.

  3. Sewing Olympics? Book Reading Olympics? How about unpacking moving boxes Olympics. I’m WAY into that! (and can hardly wait to get OUT!)

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